Big Girl Pants

Well, I feel like it's time to really put on my "big girl pants."  After starting out the week with a beautiful ultrasound visit and an 80% certainty gender reveal at just 15 weeks, my doctor called me yesterday with what she called "worrisome results" from my AFP blood test that I had during Monday's appointment.

The AFP test measures the amount of Alpha-Fetoprotein in my blood.  It tests for abnormalities in the baby, in particular Down Syndrome and other genetic problems with the chromosomes.

I was in class Friday morning when my doctor had called.  She left two voicemails in the span of two hours, asking me to call her back.  Normally, she says that she will "spit out the good information" right away on a message if I'm in class, so that I won't worry, but when she wanted me to call her back, I knew it wasn't good news.

My doctor said that, based on my 28 years of age and 15-week gestational age of the baby, there is normally a 1 in 765 calculated chance that I will have a child with chromosomal defects.  But, based on my blood work results that she received Friday morning, there is now a 1 in 69 chance of these defects.

I called her back after having lunch in the cafeteria, and was trying to hold back my tears when I was talking to her on my cell phone while walking on the school campus among the students.  I thought after the ups and downs from my last two pregnancies this year, that David and I were finally able to enjoy the rest of the ride, every step of it, until we could hold the baby in August.  At almost 16 weeks, I thought that I had a cushion of a few weeks out of the normal "safe zone" of 13 weeks to finally feel confident and good about this pregnancy and to share it with my colleagues, students and my track and field athletes who might be still wondering why I could not coach this spring season.

My doctor said that the odds are still in my favor that the baby is just fine, because a 1 in 69 chance is still less than 1.5% chance.  But, she said, it does happen, and she suggested that I go in Monday afternoon to a hospital in downtown Knoxville.  I will have a Level 2 ultrasound, which provides more details and information about the baby's measurements and features to give this other doctor a better idea of how things look on the screen. Then, whether this ultrasound provides good or bad news based on what he sees, I will probably still go ahead with the amniocentesis procedure.  Instead of giving us odds and percentages, the amniocentesis will give us an exact answer about what is going on with the baby's chromosomes.

One of my friends advised me not to start Googling stories or blog posts from other women online about their similar situations with a "positive" test, meaning abnormal results are found in the blood, because my situation is unique from others and it will just make me more anxious.  But, I did want to search what Amniocentesis was, so that I know what to expect for Monday.  The doctor will stick a long needle in the "bubble" with my baby to extract the amniotic fluid, which they will test for the chromosomes.  My doctor said that there is a risk, but it is a low risk, of miscarriage to do the amniocentesis procedure.  Of course, the word "miscarriage" still gives me nightmares, but David and I would want more information at this point, rather than waiting another 6 months in angst, wondering about what the AFP test results from last Monday really do mean.

Honestly, I felt guilty reacting the way I did when my doctor called me with the "not so good" news.  It's not necessarily bad right now, but just not the easy, good answer of "Everything looks great!" that I expected her to say quickly in a voicemail. David and I will love the baby, no matter what abnormalities she has, but it's really hard to prepare yourself for the additional challenges, physical but mainly emotional, that we will need to face and to be strong throughout it all that we might face before and after the birth.  Things may very well turn out wonderfully, and this AFP test and amniocentesis procedure might just be causing us some extra worry for nothing, but it's hard for me not to think about it or about any other little hurdle that just seems to keep popping up when we think things seem to be progressing smoothly.

I know I'm not the only one who has or who is going through pregnancy hurdles like this, and while it is sometimes comforting to know that I am not the only one, it doesn't always fix the situation or make me feel more confident about our own baby.

I guess that there will always be something to worry about, even if we pass each of these milestones in the pregnancy journey.  David is good at keeping me calm and he says that any extra stress is not going to do anything good for the baby, so I'm trying to keep my mind on other things.  This is when I am thankful that I have my crazy amount of grading and lesson planning to do as a teacher during my "free time"!

After the amniocentesis procedure on Monday, we will receive the results in a week.  I'll post something as soon as we get more information.  It'll be tough to keep my mind off it and to think about anything else, but that's what I'm going to need to do to keep away any stress and to focus on the other good things going on in our lives with our family and friends this spring.